Kettles are 'sad' and the BP Service Station is the new pub. Alan goes to his 'local' to chat to old friend Michael over a Flavia frothy cappuccino. Alan has a chance meeting with and old teacher, Frank 'Sweaty' Raphael. Alan agrees to give a talk at his old school.

Alan attempts to renegotiate his deal with Meteor Video and, in the process, learns what 'water sports' are.

At the presentation to old school Alan bumps into old classmate Phil Wiley, now head of languages there. Old enmities are inflamed and the two end up in a hot-apple-pie showdown at the BP station.